www.reneecarol.com

more to add from the road trip:

1. while traveling through tulsa, oklahoma, i was hoping to catch a glimpse of one of the hanson brothers.  lame, i know.  but i know they are from there, and thought maybe there would have been a chance that i could see them, jamming along to mmmbop.  or some shit like that.

2.  why do some people think it’s sweet to have a broken-down school bus hanging out on their front lawn?!?  oh, sorry, i didn’t realize that your bus from 1987 complemented your flowerbed.  yikes.

3.  there is a “Garth Brooks Blvd” in oklahoma.  somewhere along the way, Garth Brooks Blvd turns in to Chris Gaines Ave, but it doesn’t go anywhere.  okay, yes, that was a horrible garth brooks joke.  but, i hope, at least, some of you got it.

4.  ever been to northern texas/new mexico?  no need to.  just play the early 90s version of oregon trail.  it’s just like that.  but, for your sake, i hope you don’t die of dysentery.

i am currently road tripping/moving out to arizona.  after one full 12-hour day of driving with my good old dad, i already have a few fun things to mention.

1. i have found my retirement community location.  there is a town called Effingham, Illinois.  i’m there.  Effingham = Effingsweet.

2.  there was a bumper sticker that read, “will you be ready for when jesus returns?”  umm, yes, i will. i plan to have my pants around my ankles to make a great first impression.

3.  do i need anything from the adult superstore for my travels?  no, not right now.  and besides, if i feel that i have forgotten anything, it’s not like there won’t be 1,867 more to stop at on the side of the highway.  people going on road trips must crave porn, or something.

4.  top 40 radio stations can suck it.  it seems that “single ladies” by beyonce is the only song in rotation at this point in time.  boo.

5. there was a mule trading post.  is that to be taken literally?  can i really trade my mule in?  i can see this conversation already:

“hey, man, you wanna swap mules?  mine is acting like a total jackass.”

with the cold weather outside, i thought it would be appropriate to share a bit of advice during these wintery months.

although you’ve seen it a million times on tv and in the movies, i would not recommend sticking your tongue to a frozen pole.  ever.

i made this mistake in fourth grade at the bus stop.

i don’t know what came over me.  i saw the pole, knew i owned a tongue, and decided to see what would happen.  curiosity killed the cat and my damn taste buds.

as soon as i stuck the tip of my tongue to the pole, realized it’s true what they say about it sticking, the bus came.  i didn’t want the entire bus load of asshole school kids to see my stupidity firsthand, so i yanked my face away from the pole as hard as i could.  my tongue had no outer layer, and my mouth was full of blood.  that frozen pole got the best of me…literally.

POLE: 1.  RENEE: 0.

okay, frozen pole, you effin’ win.

and this, folks, i would never recommend to a friend.  but i am guessing you weren’t thinking about doing it, anyway.

THIS SATURDAY, FEB 21…WHISKEY’S STEAKHOUSE IS THE PLACE TO BE.

now that the caps lock is off, i can stop yelling.

2/21/09…come to whiskey’s and get down for my birthday/going away party!

i am turning the ripe old age of 25, but not acting a day older than 8.  i am also moving to arizona, so this may be the last time i get to tango with any of you.

call me with any questions…but if you know where it’s at, all you gotta do is show up in your party pants

come. party. lick whip cream off of complete strangers. feel guilty in the morning. and then ask the person in your bed what there name was…again.

see y’all there!!!

you can run across some interesting things online when you are just trying to find out some simple info.  for example, i am looking up greyhound freight shipping to get my stuff out to arizona without costing me an arm and a leg.  i was reading the agreement terms.  here are the highlights:

Other Prohibited Articles:

Animal Heads (see exceptions below)

Articles Packed in Wet Ice or Water (see exceptions below)

Ashes of Cremated Corpses

Corpses

Materials Having a Disagreeable Odor

Exceptions:

Animal Heads, consisting of decapitated animals for the purpose of medical testing only will be permitted when properly containerized and not in conflict with bio-hazardous materials handling policy.

Shipments of Human Blood and Blood Components, when packed in Wet Ice, WILL be accepted for transportation in Priority Express Service only.

Shipments of Human Eyes, when transported for cornea and/or lens extraction, WILL be accepted for transportation in Priority Service only.

i can see it now.

“good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.  thank you for choosing greyhound express as your means of travel.  our destination, las vegas, is going to be a scenic 783 mile drive, lasting about 12 hours.  please remain seated while the bus is in motion and keep your safety belt fastened at all times.  if you hear anything during the commute from underneath the bus, please rest assured that we are not experiencing any technical difficulties.  that noise is simply the sound of severed animal heads rolling around, brushing up against your luggage.  greyhound express is not responsible for foul-smelling belongings and will not reimburse any dry cleaning bills.  thank you for traveling with greyhound.”

dear nipples,

it has come to my attention recently that you cannot behave while out in public, more specifically, the gym.  on numerous occasions i have felt extremely uncomfortable due to your  protruding nature.  there has been no reason for this behavior, and i ask you politely to stop.  it becomes extremely awkward at six o’ clock in the morning to be throwing around weights in the pit with five men, look in the mirror and notice your presence.  i have noted that at these times i have not been cold or aroused.  so please stop sending that message to the public.  if it weren’t for the fact that you are permanently attached to my body, i would consider leaving you at home.  so, once again, i am asking that you stop making me an early-morning spectacle at the gym, and behave as you would at any other non-arousing and/or warm climate setting.

thank you, and i hope you will be complying with my requests soon.

best regards,

the rest of your body, renee.

i am trying to make myself feel smart by doing crossword puzzles.  don’t laugh, i am just trying to prevent alzheimer’s in my old age.  trouble is, i suck at doing crossword puzzles.  i have not yet reached my intelligence peak, apparently.  who knows if i ever will.  the following clues were given to me, but something tells me that my answers are wayyyyy off.

these are some actual clues from my crossword today:

across.

9. pilot’s concern.  sobriety…dang, how come my answers aren’t fitting?!?

60. relish.  mmm, hot dogs.

77. deadly.  can be described as the effects to your career after couch jumping on oprah.

85. mexican treat.  cocaine.  oh, wait a sec, that’s a colombian treat.

90. Ms. DeGeneres.  lezbo.  incorrect?!? what?  okay, let’s keep it PC.  lesbian.  still incorrect?!?

122. takes it off.  stripper.  hmm, one letter short.  what gives?

136. revealed.  paris hilton’s vagina.

139. arouse.  boner.  well, it fits in the space, game on.

144. convent sister.  whoopie goldberg.  oh, wait, the clue wasn’t “convent sista.”  i really thought i had it there, thanks to Sister Act.

down.

5. toddler.  no, thank you.

7. little demon.  see, “toddler, 5 down.”

59. court cases.  o.j. simpson.

62. drunkards. my friends and me on the weekends.

96. soft drink.  as opposed to “hard drink?”

133. man’s title.  dumbass.

136. armed conflict.  gang fight.

141. spouse.  insignificant other.  no?  tax-break, how about that one?

my kind of crossword puzzle.