www.reneecarol.com

well, not really. i would never punch a child.  i would just trade them in for a new hi-tech cell phone at my local pawn shop.

anyway…

this story is from about a year ago.  it was when one of my best friends was preggers with my godson.  i mean, wayyy preggers, about to pop.  we had stopped by another friend’s place for her daughter’s baptism shin dig.  all was going well until a little girl made me feel like an asshole.

there i was, standing in the kitchen, next to my about-to-pop friend, when a little girl comes up to me, lifts up my shirt to reveal my midriff, points to my belly and says, “baby?”

okay, you little chump, let’s get your shit right.  i have been working out like a mad horse for days on end for you to have it all come crashing down on me.  do you not see my “i could go in to labor at any given moment” friend standing right next to me?  there’s the baby.  in her belly.  what do i have in mine?  well, nothing in about 2.5 when i go and purge everything that i have eaten in the past 72 hours.

so, politely, because i can (sometimes) be polite, respond, “umm, no.  but thanks for trying to tell me something.”

of course, the mother of the child says, “no, honey. there’s a baby,” and points to my friend’s belly.  the mother then looks at me and looks away.  awkward.  your kid just called me a hefer in front of everyone.  ahhh, kids.  they say the darnest things…those little effing shits.

beth and val.  just youtube them and enjoy.  here is one of my faves.

on the way home from work, i hit a bunny.

yes, i did cry a little.

please tell the children that there will be no easter this year.  the easter bunny has gone to a better place…and by “better place” i mean resting underneath my goodyear tire.

oops.  my bad.

my list of the top five celebrities that i would love to round-house kick in the face.

5. audrina partridge.  the hills made you famous, your fake boobies have kept it that way. you get two kicks.  one for each fake chesticle.

4.  lil’ wayne.  you look like whoopi goldberg’s better looking twin sister.  that’s right.  i’m gonna hit ya…like a cop car.

3.  david hasselhoff.  hey, hoff, i am still not forgiving you for wearing that ridiculous piano tie when you danced on the berlin wall.  actually, i am not going to forgive you for your “musical career” all together.  i will, however, applaud your drunk hamburglar moment.

2.  prince.  yes, i love your music, but after i heard that you hand out your guitar at concerts to fans and then ask for them back when the show is over is whack.  talk about indian giving and false hope.  you’re just about my size, so game on.  one round-house kick to the face for you.

1.  …well, i was going to write ryan seacrest, but i think that’s a given.  he’s number one on everyone’s shit list.  so…the number one title goes to:

whitney houston.  i am still bewildered by your “crack is whack” comment.   you claim “crack is cheap.”  well, not when you’re broke, ms. houston.  stop publicly bashing my drug of choice and then getting arrested for possession of marijuana at the airport.   everyone knows: don’t fly with your weed…buy it from some hippie as soon as you reach your destination.  duh.

i need to record some material and post it on youtbe. STAT.

when i googled myself (i do this often), my website was the number one result, but then there were youtube videos of Rene Carol’s musical talents.  yes, it’s spelled different, but i can’t let this german chump out-do me.

i need to shoot a music video in another language.  someone grab the baby oil and rolls of french bread. this is going to be HOT.

i think my second posting ever on this website referred to children on leashes.  watch this segment from chelsea handler.  she is the best thing since tranquilizer guns…for people.

i mean gang sign, of course.

today was interesting.  i had some latino gentlemen hoot and holler at me while i was out running my errands.  my guess is that they were gang bangers.  i think the gold teeth and tattoos on their faces gave them away.

but, not to worry.  i flashed some reneecarol.com gang signs, showed them my glock, and then hopped in my tricked out saturn and drove off.

so, this guy will tell ya what’s up.

watch the video, and then understand that i had SIX of these stuck in my damn shin this morning, thanks to the idiot dogs that my roommate and i own.

also, i hope that you noted the cacti arsenal that this guy has in his garage…i think he should have gone with the machete.  it’s always a safe bet.

and also note, people choose to plant these in their yard.  why on earth would someone want to plant a cactus full of syringe-like needles in their front yard?  maybe it’s a boobie trap…or maybe it’s the most asinine concept that i’ve ever heard.  that would be like having akon perform at a 14-year-old’s birthday party…it’s not going to end well.  someone’s going to end up getting humped on stage…hey, she looked 18.

go ahead, google/wikipedia it: dirt devil tornado or dust devil.

erin and i saw one of these the other day about 100 yards from the house.  we were leaving to go in to town, and we saw a mini, dirt tornado in the road.  like a couple of idiots who moved out west, we just sat in the car and contemplated if we should get out and try to play in it.  that’s right, as if dirt in the eye doesn’t hurt enough, i wanted to actually get out of the vehicle and try to roll around in a dirt tornado in the middle of a road.  apparently these dirt devils can peel paint off of cars if they are powerful enough.  i call that a hi-power facial.

game on.

but, before we could decide what to do, the dirt devil ended and there was no sign that it ever appeared.  how effin’ cool.  it was only about three feet wide and five or six feet tall, so it’s not like we wanted to all-out jump in a kansas style twister, but it could have been a great story for the grandchildren…or the ICU clerk.  whatev.

i bought the new britney album. i finally gave in.  and much to my surprise…it’s pretty darn good…for a britney album.  i could totally see myself dancing around in my room and lip sync-ing to it in front of the mirror…and not ‘fessing up to it when my roommates ask me what that hell i am doing.

come on, guys.  support the crazy bitch and just give in, too.  her kids have to go to college so they don’t end up like their ass-tard of a dad, k-fed.

although i have made fun of brit in the past, i am going to confess that i do love her…and would totally do anything for concert tickets.  wait, was that revealing a little too much sensitive information?  oh well.  i guess liking britney spears is like fight club.  “the number one rule of liking britney spears is that we never admit to liking britney spears.”  or something of that nature.