www.reneecarol.com

there has been this disturbing trend happening lately that erin and i are noticing firsthand…marriage proposals.  GET THE EFF OUT OF TOWN.

we witnessed our first at buffalo wild wings.  a server came over the loud speaker and diverted everyone’s attention to the big screen TVs.  it had an image of a heart with the words, “(woman’s name), will you marry me?”

come on, dude.  b-dubs was the most romantic place you could think of to ask a question of utmost importance to your girlfriend?  you should have at least hid the ring in her order of spicy garlic chicken wings.  oh well.

the next proposal took place in san diego while we were on our girls vacation.  we were on the rooftop of the ramada, when a woman who had set up flowers and champagne at a table nearby came over to us.

“can you make sure no one messes with that table?  i have to go hide.”

we agree, and start speculating as to what is going on.

“someone is going to get proposed to up here. oh boy,” i said.

“yeah, probably.  what is with us witnessing all of these proposals?” erin chimed in.

“i don’t know, but it makes me want to throw up.”

we waited around for a few minutes until a couple entered the rooftop area.

“wait, is that them?  how are we going to know who that’s for?” i asked erin.

“i don’t know.  good point.”

the woman looked very nervous and was walking about five feet behind her boyfriend.  the guy was just talking about random things, obviously nervous as hell.

i was ready to vomit.  i had nothing to do with this situation, yet i was about to break out in a nervous sweat.

“renee, why are you crying?” erin asked me.*

“i am not crying.  i just feel sick and i think that this chick is going to say no.”

and here it comes.  i saw the guy get down on one knee…and i couldn’t bear to watch anymore.  i turned my head away and just tried to listen to the audio version.  nothing was being said.  GREAT.  my first thought is that this chick is going to jump over the side of the building.  that would be letting him down easy.  i had to ask erin what was going on.

“did she say ‘yes’, or what?!?”

“i think so…they’re kissing now.”

wow.  i felt so relieved that i didn’t have to file a police report as a witness to a suicide.

congrats, assholes.  next time, propose in private so i don’t get so stressed out.  i almost jumped over the side of the building and plummeted eleven floors to my death, to end my non-married life.  gosh.

*okay, let’s get one thing straight.  if i am tearing up, it’s because i am watching a movie where an animal is dying, or i am fearing for the monogamy of your vagina.  capiche?

at seaworld the other day, erin and i were trying to figure out how to get to the shamu show.  we saw an area that looked like the gathering spot for the show, but it was for something different, so i asked someone that worked there for info.

me: excuse me, sir? is that where the shamu show is?

sir: no, that’s a private show that provides dinner, as well.

me: a private show, eh?  does shamu wear boobie tassles?

sir: umm, no.

just for the record, the brochure advertising the “private dinner show” mentioned that it was an “intimate experience.”  see how easy it is to assume?

erin and i went to the bar tonight.

while we were there, we had a foreign guy approach us and start to talk about a bunch of crap that we didn’t care to hear. this is what ensued:

guy: so, is it just you two ladies tonight?

me: no, we have one more friend from high school with us. who are you here with?

guy:  well, it’s me and three of my friends.  there’s four of us.

me:  oh.  we call that a circle-jerk.

guy:  what?

me:  nothing.  i am just being rude.

another word of wisdom from reneecarol.com:

nothing lasts forever…except herpes and joan rivers.

go ahead…use it, abuse it, and disgust others. well done.

there is a sign in front of a church that looks just like the “extreme makeover home edition” signs that you see on tv for that show.  but there’s one difference, this one says, “extreme makeover life edition.”

when i first saw this sign with the huge “extreme makeover” standing out, i thought, “wow, maybe abc is doing an episode in arizona.”

but, as i read a little more, i saw the “life edition” underneath the other words, and then turned my head to see it was posted in front of a church.

my thoughts on this (because you know i have some):

shame on you, jesus, for trying to capitalize on ty pennington’s fame.  go out and get your own hard hat and DUI.

+

(i could not find, for the life of me, a mug shot of ty pennington.  but, fantastically enough, ty does have his own line of “mugs.”  so, here is a “ty pennington mug” and a “shot” of him, as well…thus giving us a “ty pennington mug shot.”  brilliant.  i went to college.)

there they were. right in front of my eyes…and my car.  a wild pack of javelinas.  i have never seen any in person before, and my mouth dropped open. i was stunned.  you would have thought that i had witnessed a unicorn shooting up heroin.  they were amazingly ugly…and huge.  thanks, mom, for telling me that they were like wild “guinea pigs.”  no, they were nothing like guinea pigs.  they are essentially wild, fat, ugly boars.  everyday is like spending time in the desert animal kingdom.

out here, a radio station is having a contest to win a plane ticket to detroit to attend eminem’s new album release party.  as the radio spot was playing to advertise this, they mentioned how ghetto detroit was.  it went something like this:

“(blah blah blah)…and you could win the chance to attend eminem’s album release party in detroit. (music stops.) yeah, detroit.  where pitbulls eat babies and abandoned buildings are set on fire…(blah blah blah.)”

good to hear that we are making a positive impact on the rest of the nation.

today my paycheck told me that i have paid $297 in to my health insurance policy from work so far this year.

my first thought: “i better start hurting myself to make all of these paycheck deductions worth it.”

i fall in to some of the most strange situations.

at the gym today, i hopped on a treadmill that didn’t work.  i tried it twice.  so, with no luck, i had to search for another open machine.  i found one, and it worked, so game on.  let’s rock out some cardio.

as i begin my stationary journey, i settle in to my own little world.  then, out of nowhere, the guy next to me asks, “is your name stephanie?” (with a strange smile on his face.)

“uh, no.  sorry,” i replied.

“do you love jesus?”

“ummmm.  (long pause). suuuuure.  do you?”

“yes, i do.”

and then he continues running.

i think someone is messing with me.  of course treadmill number one had to be broken so i could be placed next to “mr. not on this planet.”

great.

i know you’ve all seen it before, but there is such a thing as “party cheese” being sold at the grocery store.

when i think of “party cheese,” i think of cheese that likes to party.  doesn’t everyone?  i can only imagine a party scenario for cheese.  here it goes:

cheddar and swiss are teenage boys.  they hear of a party and decide to go, because brie and colby (the popular, attractive cheeses) are going to be there.  cheddar and swiss buy a dirty-thirty of red dog and crack open their first beers over a game of mario kart.  they want to catch a buzz before attending the party.  finally, after 32 games of mario kart and 18 beers later, they decide it’s time to go out.  with no vehicle of their own, they steal the neighbor’s mini-van to cruise over to the party.  when they arrive, it’s complete pandemonium. cheeses are butt naked in the hot tub, there’s a wild goat running through the house with “eff the atkins diet” spray painted on its side, cheeses are making out everywhere, there is an eighties-style dance party going on in the living room (high intensity dancing, of course), and there isn’t an end to this party in sight.

cheddar and swiss spot brie and colby across the room.  with their drunken confidence, they both go over and say hello.  brie and colby are completely hammered, rambling on about the attractive qualities of ronald mcdonald.  the girls notice the boys and say hello.

brie: hey cheddar, hey swiss.

swiss: hey ladies.  fun party, huh?

colby:  i guess.  it’s starting to get pretty lame.  i was thinking about leaving soon.

cheddar:  why?  we just got here.  wanna have a drink? (cheddar offers them a lukewarm red dog out of the dirty-thirty he brought with him.)

brie:  um, sure.  thanks.  (she takes one and hands one to colby.)

colby:  i want to kick this party up a notch.  do you guys know where we could score some blow?

swiss:  uh…not really.

cheddar:  but we can find out.  we’ll be right back.

cheddar and swiss approach smoked gouda and preposition him for some drugs.  smoked gouda is known for wheeling and dealing weed, so he knowing of the whereabouts of cocaine is likely.   both cheddar and swiss are in luck, smoked gouda has the goods and the boys are off to find brie and colby.

cheddar and swiss find the girls and invite them in to the bathroom.  they all end up blowing rails off of the toilet seat.  soon after all is said and done, brie and colby leave the party with provolone and mozzarella, the two rich italians.  go figure.

cheddar and swiss are a little heartbroken, but decide to carry on, anyway.  they drink more red dog, do a few keg stands, lose at beer pong and have to run three laps around the party naked, they meet up with smoked gouda again who smokes them down with his finest chronic after hearing about brie and colby leaving the party with the italian jerks.  cheddar and swiss talk muenster and bleu (two mediocre looking females) in to skinny-dipping in the pool.  afterward, they join the eighties dance party in the living room and show off their drunken skills to “girls just wanna have fun.”  next up, they mumble out “all by myself” by celine dion to the karaoke machine while everyone throws empty beer cups at them.  feeling depressed, cheddar and swiss get back in to their stolen vehicle, and attempt to drive home.  shortly after leaving the party, they get pulled over.  cheddar is booked with DUI and grand theft auto, while swiss is booked with open intox and aiding a felon.  they both get in to the back of the cop car, where they are escorted to jail for the evening.  they end up sharing a jail cell with nicole richie.

nicole:  what are you guys here for?

cheddar:  (sloppily) DUI and stealing my neighbor’s mini-van.

swiss:  i’m with him.  what about you?

nicole:  i went and hung out with these party cheeses.  i met this guy named smoked gouda.  he smoked me down and then sold me some vicodin.  i ended up driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

swiss:  well, that sucks.

sadly enough, the party comes to an end as soon as i lay them to rest on my turkey sandwich.  at least you had that final hoorah, boys.

and that, my friends, is my perception of “party cheese.”