www.reneecarol.com

a little boy took me by surprise the other day.

this usually doesn’t happen, but when you’re three years old and you catch me off guard, sometimes you can see my jaw drop to the floor.

okay, story time.

i was at work (go fig) and this fellow and his offspring came in, as they do all the time.  i know the little guy, he’s a riot.  he was running around the store with me, because yes, i am a spaz, too, when he started making noises with his mouth.  it was the kind where you make the “peeing” sound by pushing air through your front teeth with your tongue.

me:  (to spaztastic child) oh, you know how to make fun noises, huh?

boy:  (grabbing his pants in the crotch area) open your mouth.

me:  um, what?  why?

boy:  open your mouth so i can pee in it.

me:  oh, it looks like you attend the r. kelly academy of performing arts.  great.

rather than sitting here feeling bad about myself because my luck blows, i guess i should list in numerical order the things that i should be happy about/thankful for.

5.  at least i can still count and list retarded things in numerical order.

4.  i wasn’t the one who got hit by a car.  (for those of you that i have spoken to recently, you understand that it was the BF that was struck by a car while jay-walking.  not me.)

3.  i can pat my head and rub my belly simultaneously.  and it’s amazing!

2.  i’m not dating anyone that aspires to be a WWE wrestler.  hah!  who does that?!?

1.  i don’t need to go to rehab for anything.  maybe if i did, though, it would spark an idea for a great Lifetime movie?  i’ll start sniffing glue right away, then.

because sometimes you just need to laugh at others’ misfortunes.  today is one of those days.

www.fmylife.com

thanks again, liz.

and let’s get something straight before i start this segment:  i thought bestiality was spelled with the root word being beast.  wayyy wrong.  there goes my beauty and the beast mental image.

anyway…let’s get back on track.

setting: work, about two or three weeks ago.  no, renee doesn’t remember exactly, she’s trying to forget.

location: work place bathroom.

those involved: renee and a very sneaky moth.

feelings: complete terror and disgust.

situation: renee (yes, she’s still speaking in third person) sits on toilet seat at place of employment.  shortly after she sits down, sans pants and briefs, she has a funny sensation in places that she shouldn’t have surprising sensations.  she springs from the toilet seat, mutters a four-letter cuss word and looks at the toilet.  a moth, smoking a cigarette and looking completely satisfied, is laying in the toilet bowl.

bottom line: renee’s first salad tossing incident involved an insect and a toilet.  cool if you’re tara reid.  not cool if you’re anybody else.

…and it attracts weirdos.

you might be weird if:

A.  you feel as though you can absorb information about something just by looking at it or touching it.  who the eff are you, johnny 5?!?

B.  if you bought an $800 costume online and walked around the mall in it for no good reason and bought a knife.  scratch that, a machete.  you bought a machete at the mall in costume and were escorted out and questioned by police.

C.  if you think you know what people are going to say before they say them.  miss cleo may have some job openings.

D.  if you think you can stop bullets in mid-air.  good luck with that.  i’m sure the last guy that thought that ended up looking like swiss cheese.

E.  if you had a date walk out on you in the middle of Harry Potter at the movie theater.  if the girl waited until mid-movie to leave and not come back, she was being generous.  i would have skipped during the previews.

F.  if you wear a mood ring and think that it really picks up on your emotional energy.  “are you sure it doesn’t just respond to your body temperature?” i asked.  “no.  it can tell from my energy.”  riiiiiight.  a ring that you bought at the dollar store can sense your energy?  i can’t even find a decent toilet plunger at the dollar store.

G.  if you think it’s acceptable to go to the strip club looking for a nice girlfriend.  i didn’t have the heart to tell him that all the girls were probably too strung out on blow to deny him for legitimate reasons.

H.  if you invade other peoples’ personal space for no good reason.  please don’t look over my shoulder and not say a word, forcing me to think of the closest sharp object to drive in to your jaw.

if i could trade lives with anyone right now, it would be her.

shut it.

this is your favorite part of the movie, too.

on my way in to work this morning, a HUGE white truck pulled out in front of me.

on my way home from work today, a HUGE white truck pulled out in front of me again.

same person?  who the eff knows.

but, mr. white truck(s), stop pulling out right in front of me before i drive my saturn in to uranus.

the end.

let me start off by saying “i’m sure this gentleman is very nice.”

okay, now i won’t feel as bad for posting this.

i saw a man with spray-on hair.  to cover his bald spot.  out in public.  ’nuff said.  i thought this stuff only existed in the movies.

not only was he working up a sweat in the gym, (spray on hair must be sweat resistant), he changed in to his swim trunks and walked to the front desk shirtless.  no need to spray the fake hair on his chest…he had plenty there already.

my guess is that he was asking the front desk for a swim cap.  that spray on hair would never survive the pool.

pet peeves of the moment:

(all in relation to the gym)

1.  wearing a push-up bra while working out. listen, bitch.  i know why you’re here and it’s not to work up a sweat on the stairmaster.  cover those fun bags up, and support them with extra fabric like they yearn to be supported with during intense exercise.  yes, we’ve all noticed you’ve spent your hard earned money hooking to plump up your chest.  now put those things away so i can stop staring.

2.  men stretching out in 1970s track shorts. some men have the decency to wear a spandex layer underneath their baggy shorts, just to ensure that nothing pops out…others do not.  before showing me that you can do the splits three different ways, please make sure your dangly bits are tucked in and secure before take off.

3.  walking around naked in the locker room. that’s great!  you’ve lost a ton of weight and want to show the world!  not-so-great when you’re vaginal forest you call pubic hair can be spotted from a mile away.  quickly changing after a workout in to street clothes is okay…walking around, weighing yourself, blow-drying your hair butt-ass-naked, is not.  i’m not gay, but why is it that the good looking, playboy model-like girls never walk around naked?  i wouldn’t mind seeing that.  but please, don’t carry on a conversation with me about how busy the gym gets at 5pm without bottoms on.  i’m not listening to a word you say because my mind is telling my eyeballs to look at your face and not diana ross, whom you’ve got head-locked between your thighs.