www.reneecarol.com

as most of the world has heard already: heidi montag did a playboy spread and didn’t even get naked for it.

huh?  isn’t that what you do in playboy?

i know i am a schmuck just for mentioning it, but really?  this intrigues me.  yes, i know spencer and heidi are some of the most ridiculous people on earth, but it’s a love-hate relationship.  i love hating on them.  and so does everyone else.

she really must think she’s something if she can land a playboy gig without even getting naked.  i think it’s just because she doens’t want to reveal to the world just yet that she was born a hermaphrodite.  maybe.

my favorite part of the interview (that can be seen at playboy.com):

(spencer is the one interviewing heidi.)

Spencer: What do you think you’ll remember most from I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!?
Heidi: The huge spiders, the rats, the smell. Those horrible things slithering around every corner. It’s the best show in the entire world because it’s the hardest show. People saw an hour of what happened, but we were there 24/7. Minutes go by like hours. You’re not allowed to leave. You’re given only a small amount of beans and rice, and you wash your dishes in dirty creek water. The thing I’ll remember most was how great you were, Spencer. If it weren’t for you—and Jesus—I wouldn’t have made it through alive.
Spencer: That’s because you’re the sexiest, most natural thing in the jungle.

hmmm.  “most natural thing in the jungle?” her fake tits and nose job seem to disagree.

they are the most mentally-challened couple in crappy TV history.

so, yes, i am a fellow law-breaker, like a ton of other people in the state of arizona.

this state offers an option for people who receive citations; if you haven’t been to traffic school in the past 24 months, you can attend a class (and pay big bucks) to have the citation removed from your license, or just pay the fine and take the points on your driving record.

i chose to take the class.  no one wants speeding in a school zone on their record.  it just makes you look like a chump.  (totally accidental, by the way.  duh.)

well, traffic school wasn’t as bad as i had initially thought.  and when the instructor is a french man with a thick accent, it makes things interesting.  yes, i did pay $215 for 5 hours of class, but i felt as though i was watching a stand-up comic show.  when french men say “focus” with their accent, it actually comes out like, “fuk-us.”  imagine how fun that was.

here are some highlights of my captivating 5 hours of class:

1.  we had the stereotypical asian woman in class.  she had received multiple citations for breaking laws that she never knew existed in the state of arizona (i feel ya, lady) , and then asked, “do policemen work on the weekends?”  sorry, but everyone didn’t feel bad for her anymore.  where is it you came from, lady?  cops apparently put in overtime to cite you for your stupidity.

2.  there was the soft-spoken jesus freak lady.  before i even sat down, i heard her talking about a “metal jesus medallion” that she wears, and i figured being placed next to her was a bad idea.  i sat one row away, where i could hear her reciting bible passages to the people around her, saying that we have to pray to become safer drivers.  i already tried “praying” that the DMV lost my citation, and that didn’t work, lady.  sorry, but you can’t count on jesus to clear your driving record.

3.  before class started, the instructor had to give us the run-down of the emergency exits just in case, you know, we had an emergency.  there were three sets of doors in the conference room where the class was taking place, and he was explaining them to us in his french accent.

frenchie:  “i must tell you about ze emergency exits.  zere are two over zere, but zey are locked (he kicks one set of locked doors), so you gonna die.  if you see me running, zen follow me.”

the instructor liked to reference the part where “you are gonna die.”  run a red light?  you are gonna die.  DUI?  you are gonna die. hit a school child crossing the street?  zey are gonna die, and you will die in prison.

4.  a guy sitting behind me mentioned that he was mad about spending $215 on a class.  he said that he would have rather spent the money on “powerball tickets.”  good to see you have your finances locked in to the right places.  i have a feeling you don’t need traffic school, you need a financial adviser.

5.  one of my customers was in my class.  nothing like breaking the law with someone i know, who can remind me of my terrible driving habits whenever i see him.  well played.

and, my last bit will be to share some of the crazy laws out here in AZ, just in case you feel like driving in one of the worst states in the U.S. (yes, we are apparently ranked second to New Mexico when it comes to worst driving habits.)

1.  no one has the right of way, except emergency vehicles.  not even pedestrians.  where are we, europe?!?

2.  making left turns is at your own risk.  even if you are at a light with a green arrow signaling you to turn, you still have to yield to those assholes that run red lights.  if you are turning and get hit by some jackass that doesn’t know that red means “stop,” you’ll be cited. no, it’s not fair.  it’s arizona law.

3.  you cannot make left turns at a red light on to a one way street anymore.  you used to be able to, but the law has changed. i know in some states, you can.  but not in AZ.

4.  probably after january 2010, talking on cell phones while driving will be illegal.  zat is what ze instructor told ze class.

5.  when making a right turn on to a multiple lane road, you must turn in to the right-most lane.  you cannot make a right turn from street A, and finish your turn in the left-most lane of street B.  you must turn from right-most lane to right-most lane, and then wait three seconds, use your blinker, and then merge to the left when clear.  (after taking this class, i figured out that i break about three traffic laws just going to and from work everyday.  boo.)

6.  only one car at a time is allowed to creep in to the intersection while yielding to make a left turn at the light.  none of that bumper-to-bumper business during rush hour traffic.  yes, everyone does it, but AZ is going to lay the smack-down.  you must wait for the person in front of you to complete the left turn before you can creep in to the intersection to do it.

now, let’s note that i am not an official officer, nor do i know all of the traffic laws in every state.  i urge you to check with a police officer or reference the local secretary of state to see what traffic laws exist in your hometown.  rules are always changing, and people just don’t know what is legal to do, and for how long.

why don’t they tell you the rules when you move to a new state?  because they want you to break the law.  more money for them.

so, next time you get pulled over, please don’t tell the officer you referenced reneecarol.com for your traffic law information.  he’ll probably say, “who the eff is that?” and i will personally call to tell you that you’re a dumbass.

…and it’s going to cost me a cool $215 to fix.  not bad, but definitely not good.

long story short: i got a ticket today for speeding (a dangerous 22mph) and can either pay the fine and get the points on my record, or attend traffic school.  i chose the latter.  i must attend this week, and you can be sure as shit you’ll know how it goes.

the best part was a brief interaction i had with the officer (who was actually really nice…minus the whole issuing a citation thing):

officer:  i’m issuing you a citation, but today’s your lucky day.

me:  i don’t think those two phrases belong in a sentence together.

officer:  haha.  you can enroll in traffic school so you don’t get points on your license.  blah, blah, blah.

and that’s the story of how i spent $215 in one teeny little second.  boo.

or at least, that’s what author jill solloway calls it when you google yourself all the time.  makes sense.

anyway, i thought i would toot my own horn and show y’all that my good name is linked to more than just a crappy website.  boo-ya.

if you’ve never seen that documentary, please do.  many unpaid hours of internship work went in to it.  and it’s one of the few things that i can honestly say that i am proud of. 

…the ones where you’d rather donkey punch yourself than be at work.  (don’t know what that is?  click here.)

anyway, i was having epiphanies and questioning my existence.  kind of.  more like questioning why i work where i work.  if i could sum up my life for those who don’t know me, here it goes: I. Sell. Penis. Pills.

does life get any better?  i’d better hope so.

when you (well, maybe not you specifically) come in, all overweight and sweaty, smelling like cigarettes and foul body odor, with a dead tooth and  and ask to purchase the Extenze, it leaves me with a very bad mental image.  the last thing i want to do is picture you naked, wondering why your flaccid man parts aren’t working properly.  gross.

at times like this i wonder why i don’t run to mexico (totally feasible from where i live) to start my life over as a bullfighter.  what could be better than gearing up in a sequined pant-suit and pissing off one of the largest mammals to walk on all fours?  sounds like a tequila infused paradise.

in other news, while i was wallowing in self pity, i pulled out a piece of wrigleys spearmint gum.  you know the ones that are in the new packaging that is the size of a wallet?

anyhoo…as i was putting the package away in my purse, i noticed that on the back, the company imprinted “wrigleys” three times in to the part where you put your finger to close it.  first thought: “whoa.  this is a horrible attempt at braille.  better luck next time.”

facebook.

i had sworn to myself a long time ago that i would never join that site.  the only reason i started myspacing was because when i was applying for internships, this one company didn’t want a cover letter attached with a resume, they wanted a myspace link.  and bam.  been hooked ever since.  i don’t need another vice.

but it seems that lately, more and more people are jumping on the facebook bandwagon.  why?  what is so special about it?  if i started a mass communication website, instead of calling it “facebook,” i’d call it “asshat.”  (thanks to jen lancaster for re-introducing me to that fabulous word in her books.  if you’ve never read “bitter is the new black,” “bright lights, big ass,” or “such a pretty fat,” you should.  she also has one out called “pretty in plaid.”  buy them.  you’ll love them, i swear.  i am briefly depressed whenever i finish reading her books.  they’re that awesome.)

anyway…instead of asking your friends, “hey, do you facebook?” it would be, “hey, can i catch you on asshat?”

maybe another reason i won’t join is because if i do and i have no friends, i would be greatly disappointed.  not having friends in real life is bad enough.  no need to rub it in via cyberspace.

i have joined myspace, twitter, friendster (logged on once), and gotcast (i never do that one, either.)  my social schedule cannot accomodate one more communication outlet.  okay, maybe it can, but i’m not gonna.  so there.

i am suffering from writer’s block.  no better way to waste time not doing anything than visiting youtube.

had no idea this was blur.  who knew?

for megan.

this reminds me of my childhood.

one of the sexiest vids ever.

…and i still made him eat it.  boo.

everyday it’s something, let me tell ya.

1.  word on the street is that asians are fairly healthy.  so when an overweight white woman tells a couple of thin asians to “add fruit to your protein shake to make it healthier,” i snickered.

2.  i was saddened when i unwrapped a piece of wrigley’s spearmint gum, and found that they had changed the color from white to green.  green is for doublemint.  it amazes me that little things like this can put me in a sour mood.

3.  conversation with a customer and me:

guy:  is that your real hair?

me:  it’s not a weave, if that’s what you’re asking.

guy:  oh, wait, i mean, is that your real hair color?

me:  yes.

guy:  are you seeing anybody?

…now i might have been a little more accepting of this, if:

a.) i were single.

b.) the guy hadn’t curled his eyelashes and applied a light coat of mascara.  no joke.  eff my life.  i guess it makes sense why he was interested in my hair and used that as an opening line.

…and apparently, when a mexican restaurant mariachi band asks for requests, “my humps” by the black eyed peas is less than appropriate.

boo.