here are some of my favorite quotes from vegas this weekend:
ryan: “why are we getting ready and you girls are taking champagne showers?”
ryan: (completely concerned) “is jennifer aniston ever going to settle down?!?”
ryan: “sean, i umm, learned how to iron.”
erin: “can helicopters fly upside down?”
ryan: “maybe if i got some sex, i wouldn’t litter.”
renee: (while peeing) “it’s always a relief when your kidneys still work.”
while making an exceptional caramel macchiato cheesecake yesterday, i accidentally murdered my electric mixer. apparently the batter was too much for this little guy to handle. i smelled burning first, and then looked down to see my utensil smoking at the gills. bad sign.
hey, if you can’t stand the heat, get the hell outta the kitchen. ohhhhh, burned. renee: 1. dead mixer: 0.
date: February 14, 2010 (Valentine’s Day)
setting: Grocery store express check out lane.
goods i was purchasing: items for my cheesecake baking arsenal.
goods that that gentleman behind me was purchasing: an over-sized heart-shaped balloon, a flower bouquet, baby wipes, two containers of soap and toilet paper.
my thought at that exact moment: wow, sir, it looks like you have yourself a nice little sloppy Valentine’s day hook up, cleaning supplies and all. you never know how messy this could get. (insert imaginary fist pump here.)
read this and then continue on below.
…and that, ladies and gentlemen, was my 7th grade crush.
not only did he have the balls to rob a grocery store, but he did it in his own hometown, where everyone knows everybody.
in his defense, he was probably strung out on heroin. don’t judge.
..of miss reneecarol.com can be challenging. especially if it’s a monday. i’ll outline my typical monday (it’s actually just like any other day, because i never do anything exciting, but ‘mondays’ always get the best of everyone for some reason.)
1. wake up to hit the gym, only to find yet another spot where my dog has managed to up-chuck. oh well. finding dog vomit at 8am is much better than finding it at 5am, i suppose.
2. make it to the gym, weigh myself, and see that i dropped some of the weight i gained out of nowhere. i high-five myself in the locker room, and become an early morning spectacle for all of the older, naked, doughy women to marvel at. glorious.
3. come home from the gym, hop in the shower, look down at myself and wonder, “why must getting older be such a pain in the ass?” forget the fact that i was happy about losing 3.5 pounds about an hour and a half ago. to top things off, i eat a bowl of cereal with chocolate syrup on top, before leaving for work. wtf, renee, wtf.
4. leave for work. traffic + construction = FML.
5. once at work, i deal with two customers who are going through a divorce and they both decide that i will be their emotional-release person. the first guy, while in the middle of tossing out the ‘F’ word while referring to his ex says, “you’re really pretty, by the way.” i reply, “oh, that’s sweet…but that’s just the divorce talking.” the second guy decides to go on and on about how he’s happy it’s over, and i end up keeping the store open ten minutes late due to this fact.
6. upon leaving the store, i get in my car, only to find that it doesn’t want to start on the first try. it must have been too cold out for it to start right away. dear vehicle, you are from michigan. get your pansy-ass started in this 50-degree weather or else i am going to cross the border and leave you there to be ransacked for parts. thanks.
7. i get home, and attempt to make myself some tea. clearly, this task is far too complicated for me on this monday evening. while trying to squeeze out my tea bag, it erupts herbal goodness in to my hot water. eff. as i am trying to fix this catastrophe by filtering out the herbs with a coffee filter in to a new cup, i spill the herbal-y tea water all over the place. eff. i should have just cracked open a beer and said ‘to hell with it.’
8. i lay down on the couch to watch some TV before falling asleep. i am clearly a homo, because rather than watch something good, i tune in to ‘for the love of ray j reunion.‘ ahh, nothing quite like quality programming to round out my monday.
yep. i know you’re jealous.