www.reneecarol.com

but yet, it still does nothing for me.

after becoming extremely frustrated today over my current employment situation, i thought i would look at what jobs are out there for a regular, run-of-the-mill smart ass, such as myself.

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER

perks: i get to be a kid all day, i would have a classroom aide, and i’m pretty sure there’s nap time.

downfalls: i will be surrounded by children all day, with their precious, un-warped minds at my disposal.  i think this might be unsettling for some folks that own offspring.  and the application mentioned nothing about a criminal background check or drug test.  where is this place?  oh, south tucson.  ’nuff said.

DANCE TEACHER

perks: i can probably get drunk and still go to work.  i’m a better dancer that way, anyway.

downfalls: i don’t think “watches so you think you can dance and america’s best dance crew” look that credible on a resume.

CAMPUS POLICE OFFICER

perks: i can raid students for their narcotics stash.

downfalls: no one would take me seriously in uniform.  they’d probably think i was the hired stripper for the dorm room party.

PUBLIC SAFETY DISPATCHER

perks: this is an unsupervised position.  definitely the kind i like.

downfalls: i probably wouldn’t give a shit about your dilemma.  i’ve got my own, dude.

UROLOGY MEDICAL ASSISTANT

perks: i really can’t think of any.

downfalls: just about everything.  install catheters?!?  measure bladder retention?  can’t we just make educated guesses?!?

SLEEP TECH TO PERFORM SLEEP STUDIES ON PRISON INMATES

perks: i could get free prison tattoos and learn how to shank someone…finally!

downfalls: all of the bad things that (heterosexual) sex-less inmates could do to my lady bits.  and i hear the prison food is terrible…lunch time would be a disaster.

NAIL TECH

perks: i could probably get high on nail polish fumes.

downfalls: i’m not asian.  thanks a lot, mom and dad.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER

perks: i am guessing the dress code consists of an awesome trucker hat and a budweiser cut-off t-shirt.

downfalls: i’d have to pick up my chewing tobacco habit again.

TEMPORARY WRITER

perks: stringing together words to form sentences happens to be my specialty.

downfalls: nobody said i was good at it.

one morning everyone is going to wake up and notice that their sock drawer is full of “send-me-off-to-my-corporate-position” foot coverings.

i had this revelation this morning, myself.

black socks?  really?  when did this happen and why i am continuing to wear these treacherous footies five days a week? i am getting old.

i mean, nothing tells you that the party is over and you have to work for a living for the rest of your life quite like dress socks.  nothing tells you that it is no longer acceptable to sniff-test your clothes before rolling out the door, mixing beer in your cheerios for breakfast is a no-no, or you-tubing your  most recent keg stand is soooo freshman year quite like dress socks.

i pondered to myself, “what could clue a person in on aging better than conservatively-printed cashmere dress socks?”

nothing.  absolutely nothing.

forget the stretch mark cream that i have in the medicine cabinet.  don’t even pay attention to the HGTV channel that’s permanently on the television.  and let’s not even touch on the fact that i drive a fuel-efficient, family-friendly vehicle.  none of this compares to the painful reminder of aging like dress socks.

this week, dress socks.  next week, it’s a mini-van and Roth IRA.

don’t know what an IRA is?  maybe you should try on a pair of dress socks.